Anger can be a very difficult emotion to change. Unlike other negative feelings, anger is often a choice that YOU make. I remind many of my clients to pause and mentally try to list the advantages and disadvantages of feeling angry. Ask yourself “Do I REALLY want to feel this way right now?” If the answer is “no” – you can ask yourself another question, which is “What am I going to do with these angry feelings I am having right now?” You could express your angry feelings in an assertive or constructive way with respect.

Characteristics of Healthy, Constructive Anger

• You express your feelings in a tactful way.
• You attempt to see the world through the other person’s eyes, even if you disagree.
• You convey a spirit of respect for the other person, even though you might feel very hurt or upset by him or her.
• You do something productive to try to solve the problem.
• You try to learn from the situation so you can better tackle it in the future.
• You eventually try to release the angry feelings and return to a calmer state.
• You take a close look at your own behavior to see how you may have contributed to the problem.
• You believe that you and the other person both have valid ideas and feelings that deserve to be understood.
• You look for a solution where you both can win and nobody has to lose.

Characteristics of Unhealthy, Destructive Anger

• You deny your feelings and act in a passive agressive manner or lash out and attack the other person (active agression).
• You argue in a defensive way and insist there is zero validity in what the other person has to say.
• You believe that the other person is terrible and deserving of punishment. You appear condescending or disrespectful in your tone and body language.
• You give up and see yourself as a wronged and helpless victim.
• You don’t try to learn anything new. You feel that your view of the situation is 100% in the right.
• Your anger becomes addictive and you can’t seem to shake it or let go.
• You blame the other person.
• You insist that you are right and the other person is simply wrong. You feel convinced of your truth.
• You avoid, reject or abandon the other person. You write him or her off.
• You feel like you’re in a battle or a competition to ‘win’ the argument. If one person wins, you feel that the other person will clearly be the loser.

Try to think of various situations in your past when you have been angry. What have been the advantages and disadvantages of acting the way you did in the given situation? When you start to feel anger coming on…ask yourself which type of anger you would like to engage in (healthy or unhealthy)?

In 2013, I choose…

• To live by choice, not by chance
• To be motivated, not manipulated
• To be useful, not used
• To make changes, not excuses
• To excel, not compete
• I choose self-esteem, not self-pity
• I choose to listen to my inner voice, not to the random opinion of others

Thinking About Change in 2013…

Every year, many of us make well-intentioned New Year’s resolutions that never quite seem to transform our lives in the way(s) we had hoped. Resolutions can be focused on many diverse areas of life: health, exercise, relationships, and personal finances or on larger overarching topics like positive self-growth and spiritual healing. For many of us, just the thought of making a meaningful life change can bring some degree of optimism and happiness. We feel good about growth and change…or at least about the thought of growth and change.

As human beings, we are creatures of habit. We run on auto-pilot. We seem to seek change in the same way (over and over) each year…oftentimes with similar (lackluster) results. Unfortunately as time marches onwards away from the start of the new year, our resolutions seem to fade into the distance.

Change starts out as a simple thought – driven by a wish for things to be different or better. This thought sets us into a state of forward motion but many of us lack the actual commitment to make our resolutions a reality. Why? We lack action. Simply having a positive intention isn’t enough to break us out of our auto-pilot mode and drag us out of our comfort zone.

Making a sustainable life change is much more difficult than simply getting the ball rolling. As human beings, we make a little bit of headway towards our goal, feel that we’re on the road to success and don’t continue pushing forward in an active and consistent way. We slide back into our comfort zone and the status quo resumes. We lose our motivation as our habitual patterns take over. We feel stuck when we find ourselves back engaging in the same old thoughts, feelings and behavioral patterns.

In order to really break out of our comfort zones, we must make bold changes. We must embrace change and not let anything stand in our way. This is not easy! When you engage in any new behavior it feels uncomfortable. It feels like something is “off” and it’s hard to adjust. I encourage my clients to embrace change and back it up with the required energy to make it sustainable, not fleeting.

This steadfast commitment, if grounded in action, can lead to a turning point. This can be described as an instant in which we become so invested in the change we desire, that we commit to making real change in our lives.

I can offer a healing experience. I listen to your pain, frustrations, and sit with you through your struggles. Therapy is for growth and change. It is a place to learn and understand you. Therapy is taking a risk, as such, you may experience some challenges during the process.

I will guide you towards a path that may enhance your life. Being in a relaxing, and non-judgmental setting, you will have the opportunity to feel safe and take the risk to grow. In therapy, you will learn helpful skills including problem solving, goal setting and time management. By starting therapy, you will learn to communicate more effectively, learn about your patterns, and manage your day-to-day living.

If you are experiencing social anxiety, dealing with issues in your relationship, struggling with anger, or struggling with addictions, then I can work with you by first developing coping skills, and shortly thereafter learn to understand the underlying concerns, and process them. Treatment may be brief to address a problem, yet the skills learned may be used without a therapist for future difficulties.

Psychotherapy is a process of exposure; a confidential* means of learning. In this way, the client and therapist work together to discover what situations, events, and relationships in your life’s history are leaving you with distressing feelings or negative methods for dealing with your world. You work toward attaining fresh perspectives and powerful tools to conceptualize your experiences, beliefs and thoughts. Through these means, your actions become based less on defenses and hurt and more on understanding and choice. Your child, partner or family might take part in these changes, which are typical of psychotherapy.

Psychotherapy looks at the client and the many multifaceted components that have played a role in making every person distinctive. Psychotherapy assumes that there are aspects of our lives that we are not fully conscious of which can act as a barrier, limiting our ability to function healthfully. Without active exploration both in session and at home, hidden assumptions, expectations, and memories of the past end up generating and perpetuating destructive patterns.

Depending on the client and situation, a psychotherapist may take on several roles including those of educator, facilitator, confidant and conflict resolution advocate. All of these roles serve to aid in the achievement of a more effective and assimilated self.

Along with achieving personal insight, the psychotherapy process allows us to gain a deeper understanding and appreciation of who we are, which can help us come to terms with our issues and responses to people and things. Ultimately, our energy no longer needs to be directed towards maintaining defenses, allowing us to refocus on establishing positive interactions in the realms of love, work and play.

When successful, psychotherapy creates a synthesis of intellectual knowledge and emotional understanding. Because self-exploration can often be challenging and painful, therapy often takes more than a few sessions. Fifty minutes in nature, each session provides the opportunity to become comfortable with yourself and your ways of being. This non-judgmental process slowly becomes integrated into your internal experience and lasts long after the journey of therapy has concluded.

* Though confidentiality is paramount to a successful working relationship, psychotherapists are bound by some limits including harm to self or others, child/elder abuse etc. Allison encourages all current and potential clients to ask about these limits as questions or concerns arise.

Money can mean many things: power, security, control, or even love.

In my clinical experience, it seems that the more proactive conversation you can have with your partner about money before you have to make major financial decisions, the happier you’ll be in your relationship.

Research estimates that money issues are behind 90% of divorces today…but I believe and educate many of the couples I work with that money does not have to be a taboo or difficult subject to tackle. Here are some tools to help you talk with your spouse and handle the topic of finances in a healthy and constructive way. Read on!

–I advise many couples to set aside a specific time to talk each month about finances. Doing this (although not easy at first!) can help you avoid difficult conversations when they’re least expected or when you may already be feeling upset by something else going on. By setting aside time, you can prepare and know what to expect from the conversation. There may still be disagreements about finances, but because you’re talking about money on a regular basis,  it’s less likely to be upsetting or feel unsafe. Don’t wait until your spouse is upset or you find yourselves arguing over a credit card bill. Bring up the subject of finances when both of you are feeling calm and centered. The goal is to have a calm and constructive discussion when there’s no particular money issue causing friction.

–Try to not to shame or bring blame to the conversation. Many discussions around money can end in arguments. When you don’t blame or get defensive, chances are that things will proceed in a more constructive way. Remember that you are both on the same team and working towards building a secure financial future. Try to learn from past mistakes and move forward together. Try to model an open stance about money by first sharing your own feelings about a financial issue. This will most likey encourage your spouse to do the same. Share your feelings, experiences, and hopes about your finances. Do you have a future vision which you can share (i.e. one day owning a home or traveling to a special place?). Discuss how your family growing up dealt with money, what it meant to you when you were a child, and how you dealt with it in your past relationships with others.

–Be honest with yourself about how you feel. If you’ve always been independent, for example, it may be hard for you to be “taken care of” financially. If you have more assets than your partner, you may feel fear about risking your hard-earned money, or resentment if his or her spending habits are not good. You have to be honest with yourself about these feelings in order to be honest with your partner.

Many of us repeat negative words (often called “negative self-talk” by therapists) and negative statements about the situations and events in our daily lives. When we do this, we can actually continue to create and foster undesirable situations and outcomes. The words we use can help us think positively and move forward, or they can keep us stuck. Feeling stuck is never a good thing!

Take a moment to think about this question…do you repeat negative statements in your mind, perhaps without even being aware that you are doing so? Perhaps you think and tell yourself over and over that you can’t accomplish something, that you are not strong enough or that you will never amount to anything. Your subconscious mind accepts these negative thoughts as  truth and begins to craft a story with this negative theme. I encourage many of my clients to actively question their negative self-talk and use more positive based self- talk. The positive statement below are a good place to start. Write down some of the statement below which resonate with you and practice using them when your thoughts start to veer off in a negative direction.

• It’s okay to be myself around others. I’m willing to try to be myself around others, even if this is difficult.
• I appreciate my personal achievements.
• I am learning to balance work and play in my life.
• I am learning that there is more to life then money, perfection and success.
• I am a unique and special person. I am capable. I am satisfied doing the best that I can every day.
• I am willing to allow others and ask for help if needed. I acknowledge my need for other people.
• I am open to receiving help from others.
• I am willing to take the risk of getting close to others and letting them into my life, even if it feels vulnerable.
• I am learning to relax and let go. It’s okay if I’m not perfect 24/7.
• I am doing the best I can as a (insert role here: Mom, Dad, Business Owner, Teacher, Friend, Husband, Wife, etc.)
• It’s okay to feel upset or disappointed when things go wrong…but I will try my best to be strong and resilient.
• It’s okay if I don’t always have the right answer.
• I do the best I can – and I’m satisfied with that.
• I’m learning to be honest and authentic with others, even when it’s not an easy feeling.
• I believe that I am capable of change and growth.
• I am learning to trust other people.
• I am learning to experience life in the present and let go of the past. I am not fearful of the future.
• I am willing to let go of what I can’t directly control.
• I’m making a commitment to myself to try to take small steps to overcome my problem (insert problem here: with money, with friends, with my parents, etc.)

Myth: Assertiveness is mean/rude/abrasive. Not so! When you are assertive you are being polite and asking for what you want and deserve in the same manner that you would like others to speak to you.

Techniques:

DEAR MAN
Describe

Express Assert

Reinforce

(be) Mindful

(act) Assertively Negotiate

Non Assertive Behaviors:

Aggressive: Demanding, abrasive or acting in a hostile manner; insensitive to others needs or feelings and attempt to obtain what you want through coercion or intimidation. Aggressive individuals often create conflict, purposeful drama, and are usually disrespectful. Aggressive individuals are less likely to form healthy relationships, be fulfilled, and have more health problems due to increased stress.  Those who are aggressive are also less confident and use their intimating behaviors to compensate for the lack of self-esteem they have for themselves.  They may threaten to or hurt others emotionally or physically to get what they want (i.e. punch, hit, kick, put-downs, throw chairs, break belongings, etc.) Aggressive body language includes glaring, gritting teeth, appearing over confident, rolling one’s eyes.

Passive/submissive: Yielding to someone else’s preferences while discounting your own rights and needs.  These individuals don’t express their feelings or let others know what they want.  People who are over-invested in being “nice” or “pleasing” and uncomfortable expressing their needs, giving others the message that they are insecure or unsure.  Others tend to discount your needs leading to low self-esteem or resentment. Passive behavior patterns can lead to feeling hurt, upset, nervous or angry. Your needs are not met and you can feel out of control, dependent and helpless. When you act passively, you might: (i.e.) Put yourself down – “I never know what to do”, apologize too often, put other peoples’ needs first, say “It doesn’t really matter” when it does, or are indecisive “No, no, you decide”. Your body language appears like you have low confidence; looking down, shrugs, mumbles, lack of eye contact with others.

Passive Aggressive: Instead of openly addressing an issue, you hide aggressive feelings in a covert fashion. Instead of asking for or doing something about what you really want you drop hints, complain, annoy, or pester others. You seldom get what you want because you don’t get the point across in a clear and assertive way.  You are more likely to have aggressive outbursts or emotional breakdowns, feeling like “no one is listening to me!” or have internal frustration and get angry at yourself leading to lower self-esteem.

Manipulative: Attempt to get what you want by making others feel sorry for you or guilty. Instead of taking responsibility you play the victim or martyr to get others to take care or listen to you. It may make others feel crazy or angry because they are being pushed to the limit, it’s often confusing for the receiver. Manipulative people are more likely to feel alone, angry, and unheard and overtime have strained relationships with others as they are unable to express their needs.

]]> http://www.synergeticpsychotherapy.com/2012/10/07/assertive-communication-techniques/feed/ 0 http://www.synergeticpsychotherapy.com/2012/10/01/my-personal-bill-of-rights/ http://www.synergeticpsychotherapy.com/2012/10/01/my-personal-bill-of-rights/#comments Mon, 01 Oct 2012 14:40:42 +0000 Allison http://www.synergeticpsychotherapy.com/?p=927 If we can begin to believe that we deserve these rights and also learn to exercise them, then we can build a more assertive attitude and happier sense of self. The result is that we begin respect ourselves enough to be conscious of our basic human rights.

I cover this topic in my weekly evening workshops for women, which you can learn more about here:

http://www.synergeticpsychotherapy.com/group-programs/beating-the-quarterlife-blues/

Here is a list of personal rights:

1. I have the right to ask for what I want.
2. I have the right to say no to requests or demands I can’t meet.
3. I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative.
4. I have the right to change my mind.
5. I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
6. I have the right to follow my own standards and standards.
7. I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe, or it violates my values.
8. I have the right to determine my own priorities.
9. I have the right not to be responsible for others’ behavior, actions, feelings, or problems.
10. I have the right to expect honesty from others.
11. I have the right to be angry at someone I love.
12. I have the right to be uniquely myself.
13. I have the right to feel scared and say “I’m scared.”
14. I have the right to say “I don’t know.”
15. I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.
16. I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.
17. I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.
18. I have the right to be playful and frivolous.
19. I have the right to be healthier than those around me.
20. I have the right to be in a non abusive environment.
21. I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.
22. I have the right to change and grow.
23. I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others.
24. I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
25. I have the right to be happy.

Pick a few that resonate with you and read them every day. Put them in your phone, on your mirror or on a sticky note on your computer at work. The more you read them, the more you will believe you are worth it!

 Note: Adapted from The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook, by Edmund Bourne, Ph.D.

Maybe it is time you take a look at your internal balance to see where you need to make some adjustments.

Feeling like you’re off balance within your internal structure can describe a person who is intelligent, successful and social but continues to battle internal feelings of low self worth. This should not be mistaken for depression or any mental illness, as anyone suffering in that regard should seek help from a professional. This is a guide for those who are attempting to find a way to balance their internal world so that you can feel just as good on the inside as on the outside.

When one is constantly trying to fill a void – subconsciously this is projected onto others and onto their outer being. At the same time, these individuals tend to build a “mask” by creating an external personality that feels more fitting for the outer being. This “mask” can be outgoing, fun, social, flirty, and magnetic. They may seem to have it all together on the outside, and maybe there are days when they absolutely do, but on some consistent level there is an internal battle. If you are experiencing this within, it is inevitably creating some sort off balanced energy, and in turn, you will generally attract the same (which is frequently masked as well). This can range from unhealthy romantic relationships and unsatisfying friendships. Thus, these circumstances will further feed into the lack of balance and create an unsatisfying cycle.

Let’s look at this off balance and its effect on relationships. Many times those creating a “mask” tend to fall into difficult or co-dependent relationships. These individuals are searching for someone else to complete their internal being and are subconsciously attracted to those who are seeking the same. Both individuals tend to portray their “mask” and are attracted to one another’s “mask”. These tend to be the women or men that are charismatic, fun, hard to get, and create a disposition which provides an exhilarating chase. The chase becomes thrilling because it puts you in a position to further develop your “mask” (i.e. “I’m going to be really fun and silly and not pay attention to him so that he will notice me”, “I am not going to call her and act standoffish because she will be more interested in me”) instead of being your authentic self. The rush of a person who is creating their “mask” feeds into your own ego, which can create a burst of energy within. This is used to temporarily filling the void which is attempting to create balance internally. Unfortunately, the only one that can truly create this balance is you, and therefore this type of relationship builds up similar to an addiction. Accordingly, the relationship tends to be lustful, intense, full of ups and downs, and driven purely on impulses.

It is not until each partner’s masks start naturally melting away, that each person is left with their own lack of balance and low self esteem. This is usually where the fighting begins, the attacks on one other, and attempts to fix or change one another. Various relational patterns can come from this (i.e. pursuer/distancer) and end up in an up/down relationship, or a break up/make up circumstance. Focusing on that person not having what you need, and/or blaming yourself for always falling for the wrong person becomes a distraction to your internal structure. It is much easier to focus on the other person’s wrong doings then to look within yourself. These relational patterns can continue on until the person is willing to work on the only person you can control or change: you.

In order to truly commit to someone else, you have to commit to yourself first. What we do not realize is the incredible amount of choices and control we have over our internal balance, and how much it impacts our relational choices. Whatever the reason may be, and maybe you will choose to discover this in therapy or through your own personal self discovery, it’s time to let that go and become more aware of your authentic self.

Let’s take a look at some steps that can influence your own personal development which will dramatically impact your relational world.

We hear the word balance a lot, but what exactly does it mean? Internal balance is the feeling of contentment from consistently working on meeting your specific external needs as an individual. This may feel like a daunting task, and at times can be, but as long as you are aware and working, that is what is important. If you find you fall into this category take a look at the four pieces of the puzzle: Social, Spiritual, Physical, and Mental.

Social: Do you have many friends? Close friends? One friend? Friends are a foundation to who we are as a person. Take a closer look at your social life. Are you always out drinking and skimming the service with people? If so, you may want to consider cutting back and attempting to work towards healthier alternatives such as volunteering, sporting events, hobbies, etc. Do you surround yourself with negative, superficial people? Take a good look at who you choose to be around you; this is generally what you become. At any moment you can decide to change who you are surrounded by, and the depth of friendships you have.

Spend more time with those that have the same values as you, senses of humor, positive thinking, etc. Making some drastic changes in your social life can greatly impact how you feel. Meeting new people is always a fun way to motivate yourself and break out of your comfort zone. If you have difficulty making friends or keeping friends, take a look at why. Pay attention to what you’re giving, and what you’re expecting, and see if you can make healthy adjustments. If there are bigger reasons, such as social anxiety, take the time to go to counseling and work on this in order to grow.

As humans, we rely on our connection with others, and you want to keep that connection in tact. The more you socialize, the less of an act you will feel the need to put on, and the more you can be yourself. This will attract the right people around you. Smile at strangers; hold doors open without expecting a thank you, ask someone how they are doing and be genuine. Whatever the specific types of socialization issues you have (and we all have at least one) try to work on it and bring positive people into your life.

Spiritual: Spirituality can mean so many different things to each individual person. Whether it ties into your religion, or into your Tuesday yoga class, spirituality is being able to find some sort of inner tranquility. This can mean taking up meditation, listening to music, sitting in a park, whatever type of activity that gives you serenity and peace that does not rely on others (this is my definition of spirituality). If you are religious and haven’t been to temple or church in a while, then make it a part of your schedule and make a point to get there. If you have never been religious but are interested, start educating yourself. If religion doesn’t appeal to you, maybe writing or poems can give you that internal peace. If you are purely spiritual, or want to explore spirituality, attend a Zen class or Mindful Mediation. Read a book about being in the “now” or challenge yourself to spend a day with nature without any technology. Whatever it may be that can give you some peace of mind, discover it, and you will always have this healthy tool to fall back on in times of stress, without having to rely on anyone else or damaging substitutes.

Physical: I know what you are thinking; you probably want to skip over this one. But the physical aspect of our lives has such a significant impact on our internal being. Exercise is said to almost have an equal effect to our mood as some antidepressants. It releases serotonin, makes us feel productive, and makes us feel good about our outer appearance. If you despise the gym, don’t give up on this aspect of your life just yet. There are many outdoor activities you can try such as learning how to swim or play tennis, signing up for a marathon, hiking, walking your pet, dancing, bike riding, pilates, yoga, whatever you can think of that will just get you moving.

Join a sports team, try a new gym or a new class, try boxing, hip hop, zumba. Just schedule this into your week and make it a point to get it done and you will almost instantly start feeling the internal difference. Once you get yourself there a few times, and enjoy the benefit of it, it will become natural for you to make this a part of your life. No one is born a runner; it always takes a first step. Challenge yourself and see what your body can accomplish. If you haven’t don’t it in a while, start small, take the stairs, park at the end of the lot and walk a little more.

This is such a key role in internal well being, and it is important that you take this on; as it is something you can do now that will create immediate change. This isn’t about weight or looks; this is about restoring a healthy inner energy from physical movement. If you have ever had a dog for instance, think about how the dog would act if you never took it for walks to exercise. Well I will fill you in just in case, they start to completely destroy your home and exhibit “bad” behavior. If you read any of Ceaser Milan’s books, it talks about how dogs need a certain amount of exercise a day in order to balance their mental and physical energy which will reflect in their behaviors. He uses exercise to help the dogs he has saved that were going to be put down for aggressive behaviors. Imagine that? Something so simple? Well exercising our bodies does incredible balancing of the mind, dog or man. Bottom line, stop making excuses and as “Nike” puts it short and sweet: just do it.

Mental: Mental stimulation plays a very important role in positive self esteem. I am not talking about mental strain or stress; I am talking about constructive mental stimulation that helps you grow. Some people may get this from work if they are lucky, some may not. Try and figure out what type of mental stimulation you are receiving and what you are in need of. Its exercise for your brain capacity, some people enjoy board games, reading, cooking, exploring, museums, painting, writing, photography, school. There are so many ways to broaden your mental capabilities, and this should be an area in your life that is helping to develop the internal you. Our minds feed off of trying something new, practice to be good at something, learning how to master something, and it is important to keep this activity going. Find something that you enjoy and begin, sign up for a new class, or learn a new language. There are many adult education classes that offer new and exciting things, and it also can help tackle your social piece as well. If you do any amount of research, you will find how mental stimulation can help people work longer, live longer; keep their memory in tact longer, and gives people focus. Look back into your younger years and get into something you used to love, or something you always wanted to try, and go out there and do it.

Balance is also extremely important when it comes to these four aspects. You don’t want to socialize 90 percent of the time and leave 10 percent for the rest. You want to try to give them all an equal space. If you realize you have been spending a bit too much time at gym, schedule a date with your girlfriends. If you realize you are going out just a bit too much, add in days for spirituality and relaxation. These are four specific behaviors we have control over, and once you tackle these areas your internal self will naturally become balanced and you will begin to attract people with balance. This will create a healthier connection and bond, and allow you to enter a relationship with your needs already met. If you are already in a relationship, this will help lower your co-dependency issues and put your relationship into perspective. Now is the time to take a look at your current internal puzzle and write down what you are currently doing in each category, what you would like to change, add, delete, and what your goals are. After that, get working, and I guarantee it will fulfill that hole and lead you in the direction.

Happy Balancing!

About Our Guest Blogger:  Tory Eletto is a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of E-Motion Psychotherapy located in Westchester County, NY. She specializes in working with preteen, adolescent, and young adults in regards to their individual and relational difficulties. Ms. Eletto uses her creative edge to tailor an integrative plan according to her clients individual needs. Feel free to visit her website at www.e-motionpsychotherapy.com.

Having a clearly defined idea of what we believe in, deserve and want out of life gives us the ability to reflect and assess if we’re living in line with these thoughts on a daily basis. It’s all about clarity.

When you write your personal mission statement, take a look at the questions below to help guide you. You might want to post this document at home on your wall, your fridge or even carry it around with you in your wallet. This document will act as a reminder to yourself to stay on course…kind of like a roadmap. You can of course edit and refine it as you see fit and as your life circumstances change. After all, life is indeed ever changing. Define the person that you are meant to be!

Questions To Ponder:

When I think about my perfect day, it looks like this:

This is how I want to feel in my daily life:

My most fulfilling and healthy relationships can be described as:

I feel my best when:

I most value:

If I could have any job in the entire world, I would:

These are some things I deserve:

A Therapist’s Promise

“I will do my best to understand who you are. I will do my best do be who  I am.  I will not judge you or try to control your life. I will not tell you what to do.  I cannot make you grow or do your growing for you.  I will help you become more aware, more loving, more able to fashion a richer, fuller life for which you accept responsibility.  I cannot protect you from the pain and suffering of life.  Pain will be part of the experience we share.  I will help you to face it, accept it and use it to grow.  I will be present.  I will not hide from you, even when I am afraid.

I will be with you as long as I see, in the smallest way, that you are trying to grow.  I will not journey with you to help you become ‘normal, adjusted, self-satisfied’ person.  Nor will I help you whine and wallow in the misery of your life.  I will help you take charge of your life and reinvent it.

I invite you to tell your story as honestly and truly as you are capable of telling it.  I may tell you part of my story when it is appropriate and helpful to do so.   I will say hello to you as honestly as I know how, but my commitment is to encounter you in such a way that you will decide to say good-bye.

I will help you let go of outgrown and worn-out ways of being so you can be renewed.  It may be painful and terrifying to let go of the old you.

I believe there is something in this world, here, now in each of us, restlessness of something that will not lie in stillness, which seeks renewal, which seeks to bring us together in responsible love, which invites us to grow and become.  We can deny this human spirit. We can deny its expression  or we can encounter one another in such a way that we will honor it by freeing each other to grow and be.”